Daddy just wants you to be safe


For reasons that will become clear, our observer was hesitant to leave his hiding place. But he could see through the trees that Daddy had a stickdip, pit bull ("Adorf"), spiked, frosted hair, and "muscle fat," while Babydoll had outsized artificial breasts, booty shorts, ând a garish slab of make-up. Daddy had also driven his jacked-up conversion van along the blocked-off grade to the old parking lot, running over the "Voluntary Road Closure" signs.A thorough analysis has revealed that our ill-fated reporter chanced upon America's most horrible sport-climbing couple. Here we document in chronological order, highlights from our CE's two hours of tape recordings so you can contact the proper authorities should you bracelets clearance encounter these specimens. We have also applied with the local naturalhistory society to name this new species: Cragus Ignoramus Dooshbagus (Americanus).

Daddy [real name unknown]: Hey, Babydoll, Daddy thinks we should safe-rope up a nice 5.9 to warm up. Daddy's got this one on lockdown because he uses it all the time to get ready for the twelvers and thirteeners. So shake that pretty tail and flake down the rope right here.Babydoll [real name unknown]: But, Daddy, 5.9's the hardest I ever climbed. And besides, there's cufflinks clearance people on this route already.

Daddy: Don't sweat it, doll. We'll tie up Adolf next to their stuff as a little hint to get movin'. Then I'll just stick-rope the up-clippers and make you a nice, safe free-line through the top hooks. Daddy just wants you to be safe, Babydoll. Daddy thinks maybe first-roping's a little too dangerous for you on 5.9.Journal Entry, 1:37 p.m. (excerpted from our CE's field notebook): "Daddy short-chains his beast to a tree three feet from the belayer below the 5.9. Belayer tries to sidestep the snarling dog and move the backpacks while keeping a brake hand on the rope. Daddy pre-hangs his rope and draw on the first bolt of the already-occupied route. Climber lowers off nearly atop pit bull. Confrontation ensues. Original party hastily packs pendants clearance up and departs."

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